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According to Dr. Crane at Kaiser Urgent Care, my vagina looks “super healthy”. She seemed convinced that I was just a crazy hypochondriac, and that I most certainly did not have a bacteria infection. But she don’t know my fagina like I do. She also said my black toenail was “nothing to worry about”. Um, doc, it’s black, are you drunk? Interesting side note: she put the small speculum inside, didn’t feel like shit (they treat grown women like porcelain dolls with all the warnings and delicacy). I always tell them not to fret, I’ve had lots of weird crap in my snatch. She did this thing with the backside of her gloved hands before inserting it; she dragged them lightly down my inner thighs, like, ok, I’m touching you, and putting this inside you now. Yeah, honey, I know, ain’t my first exam. Anyway, she said that my walls were “caving in” on the device. My pussy was crushing the apparatus! I was lying there, just chillin’. My pussy has a mind of its own. Apparently. I don’t know what’s up, but I think Bull Durham (Tinder number seven) has single-handedly revirginized my twat. I’ve never had a doctor say that before and I had a tough time getting one of my Instead cups out last period. She’s sucking things up and collapsing shit like the garbage scene in Star Wars. Dr. Crane had to pull the speculum out and use a bigger one. That fucker gave me pause. It hurt. I used to get fisted by girls at Mitchell Brothers, and now a damn speculum is painful?! Insane. I wanted to be like, look bitch, my toenail is the color of a fig, and my business smells like it was fucked by a dick it didn’t like, don’t play with me. I want the straight talk. I like knowing what’s up with my body. I am hyper aware. If my pussy smells four degrees off its axis, I know. I ain’t fuckin’ around. Especially when it comes to my cunt. My toenail can fall off, but mommy needs her pussy.

(I got the results back….turns out Dr. Crane knows a thing or three about vagina walls)

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