THE PROBLEM WITH PORN

I’ve watched a lot of porn in my life. Some on my own—in my personal life—but mostly through work. For nine years, I worked at the Disneyland of strip clubs. It was a large club with different semi-themed rooms; one of which was called the Cine Stage. We gave lap dances in theater seats while watching porn projected onto a large screen. That may conjure a seedy image in your mind, but this club was anything but. Six hour shifts, four nights a week; it was a lot of porn. And for the past eight years, I’ve been watching them with a private client.

Porn has always been a mixed bag for me. I’m obviously not against it, but it jangles loose my overactive inner critic. I’m too picky and I notice too much. And too many things bug me. Therefore, when I do find a scene that’s doing the trick, the twizzleshit holding the camera will inevitably switch it up just as I’m about to come, giving me blue clit and sending my brain into a tizzy.

Bad camera decisions aside, here’s some other shit that drives me crazy...

When the cameraman/director is doing a POV shot/scene and is spewing barely audible (and decipherable) “sex talk”, oftentimes in a thick accent. To me, it sounds rape-y and creeptastic. And why even bother if we can’t understand you?! This isn’t your home video, dude. I doubt men jacking off watching the scene want to hear your dumb marble mouth. I’m a heterosexual dirtbag of a woman and that shit turns me off in a major way. I’m all for naughty talk during sex, but either mic yourself or shut the fuck up. Okay, let’s move on. The other night I was lying in a random hotel room in a nowhere town with my john watching porn, drinking, doing drugs, the whole shebang. A scene came on with a man I’d venture to say wasn’t 100% (or even 50%) straight. I think he had butt implants! But more than his enhanced ass and hairless legs, he did some things to this little hottie that almost made the bourbon come up.

He was fingering her with his ringed index finger knuckle facing up! Possible the most awkward looking thing ever. And the most un-sexual. He was touching her pussy like a child touching broccoli. Then, adding to his offensive finger arrangement, he was sucking and pulling on her labia. I ask you ladies, do any of you get off on this action? Actually, I asked my readers and the majority answer was a resounding “no”. I’m all for enjoying the region down there, but I think we all know the clit is the shit. Someone doing it is bad enough, but watching it is cringe-worthy. It’s almost offensive; like he was turning her pussy into pull taffy. It completely took (and takes) me out of the moment (as one of my readers voiced so eloquently and I couldn’t agree more). Maybe those actors know each other and he knows it’s her thing. But if that was the case, she probably shouldn’t have looked like she wanted the whole thing to be over. Neither one of them were selling the labia pull.

Finding a porn with women who truly look to be enjoying themselves is the trick. The exception being when the flick is based on a kink: humiliation or water sports. I’ve seen some hot piss porn where the chick didn’t look thrilled, but the guy was PEEING on her for fucks sake. The act itself is demeaning and selfish. It’s almost better if the girl seems mortified.

I should survey men to see if these things bother them. Why any man would want to jack off listening to another man mumble horrifically unsexy shit is beyond me. But that’s the world we live in. Based on my experience, they’d probably be shocked to find out that the guy was talking at all. I think those details get glossed over. Making me the real freak in the room.

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