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To begin with, he’s a cat, so the extent of his give is limited. Monkey is a big, furry fuck, so in order to avoid dingleberries I have to cut the hair surrounding his ass region. I also trim the bottom of his raccoon tail, and his legs (which sometimes smell like urine…super fun…especially when he lays on the pillow by my head). Monkey needs to be groomed far too often for my low maintenance taste. But if I don’t, my house turns into a fine-haired nightmare. And they get caught in your eyes! His hair is hypoallergenic. Not normal cat hair. Takes about a year to fish those thin fucks out of your eye. Feels like you just came when you finally do.

I didn’t know he was a Maine Coon when I got him. He was a baby, and my speed dealer didn’t tell me. His interests were in birds and reptiles. What is it about meth dealers and exotic pets? I once bought crystal from a dude who lived near the 7th Street Bridge, he opened the door with two huge ass birds on each shoulder.

Anyway, I had no clue Monkey, would grow up to be 20lbs of fur. I’m always telling him not to piss me off, because he’d make a lovely stole. Adding to his dickery is that he’s the same color as my hardwood floor, and likes to lie in the (often dark) hallway, and in between doorways. You know, where I fucking walk. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stepped on him. Perhaps he’s a masochist.

He knows his mommy has a bum foot—he was there when it happened. Fuckit, he wants to be stepped on? I will oblige. I do this thing when I get up in the middle of the night: I keep one eye closed. It’s to trick myself into not fully waking up (I had horrible insomnia until I was eighteen). So, this pirating, and the fact that my house is pitch black at night (vampire) you can see how easy it is to step on his punk ass. Little shit.

Speaking of shit, Monkey has had some recent old age butt problems, which manifests in him rubbing his butthole all over my floor and bathmats. I just love knowing that I’m stepping in E. coli. Countless times I’ve had to pull poop out of his butt, and give him warm towel washes.

I’ve never done so much for a man for so many years…for free. Monkey owes me money.

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