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This is embarrassing (and a bit ridiculous) to admit, but I think I forgot how to wipe myself. I’m not joking. We all know the old, front to back, but somewhere along the line, I started dotting. Lowering the odds on the amount of toilet paper stuck to my pussy. Dragging causes more to attach. But I’ve had some recent lady issues—I haven’t smelled like myself since an awkward hookup (I like the way my pussy smells in normal conditions), and then I got a fucking painful UTI (from a marathon session with my customer)—and I haven’t felt right down there in a while. I’m not happy about it. Everything is peachy and delicious according to the guy I’m fucking, but I’ve known my bits longer. Something is off. I got Cipro from the doctor for the UTI, but unfortunately, I had another work trip during the medication duration, and it feels like the UTI is still lingering. Then it occurred to me. This dragging vs. blotting, maybe I’m pushing particles up my urinary tract. I know this happens during intercourse, which is why I jump up to pee after sex, but maybe my dabbing is bad. Ugh, fucking kill me. I just want my pussy back! So now (since the revelation) I’m all wonky when I wipe. I don’t even know how I wiped before. I don’t feel like I’m doing it right. The whole action feels incorrect. How nuts is this?! I’ve been wiping myself for what, thirty-nine years? Is this the first sign of dementia? And you know I’m neurotic as fuck, so I’m thinking about it EVERY time I pee. It’s a nightmare. Suddenly, toilet paper feels too dry to drag along my vagina. Meh. Why is this happening? (that’s rhetorical by the way, I don’t need advice, I need a lobotomy). I’m sure my doctor thinks I’m a hypochondriac at this point. I love vaginas, and I like having one, but I wish they weren’t so complicated. Buck up and be right, sister! ‘Course she’s probably telling me to stop being such a slut. She shouldn’t hold her breath.

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