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This is my life and the meter's running

A few years back I asked my Instagram followers what they wanted to read about. I got some interesting responses but mostly I received questions about my industry. Here's three...

What do you wear when meeting johns? This has been a long-debated issue of mine. I’ve never been the macro dress type, and I hate crying out “prostitute” when I meet a trick for the first time or ever, really. So I like looking sexy, but not trashy. I try to look like I’m on top of my shit, but not, “I don’t need your money”. I purposefully don’t wear my expensive watches or over the top handbags for that reason. While other women might think the opposite is true; that expensive accessories say you are used to nice things and can’t be bargained with because you have money. This is a solid point. Which is why I like to go the middle road. Here’s an old trick taught to me by my Jewish grandmother. Buy an outfit at Macy’s (Macy’s has a ton of hooker clothing), wear it, and return it. It’s not about the money, it’s the, I may never want to wear this again. Or wear the dress for a few of your johns before the return. Macy’s used to let you keep items up to three months—as long as the tags are still on. Here’s how you do that: the tag guns are available on eBay (including the plastic things). Boom. As long as you’re a non-spilling ho, this can be your easy ticket. You want to exude youth, elegance, confidence, sex appeal, little naughtiness, but mostly comfort in your skin and fun. Most men would rather have a sexually confident woman wearing jeans, T-shirt and tennis shoes, than a skittish one who can’t walk in heels or keeps checking the mirror. So find the type of outfit you feel confident in. This may not always jive with your actual taste. For example, I feel like tits on toast in a 1940’s dress and a gardenia in my hair but that look doesn’t often translate to sugar daddies, so you find that happy medium.

How do you handle aggressive clients? At the strip club I made guys sit on their hands if they kept breaching my rules. Using humor in the process. Men’s ego’s are often fragile, and unless they are into abuse it can easily ruin the mood to outright scold them. When it comes to private clients, I’ve only had one guy get semi aggressive with me, the damn Texan. I’ve handled his drug-induced craziness a few different ways. I generally start with the sweet, but forthright approach, “Baby, you’re being too rough, pain puts me on the defensive, which shuts down my open sexual nature”, something to that effect. If that’s too heady in the moment, I’ll always default to humor: same, “Baby, you’re being too rough”, but with, “you keep that up and I’m gonna have to tie you to the bed”. I’ve even spanked clients who got a little out of hand. In the end, it’s about you being in control. It’s how you carry yourself. Men can smell weakness. If the situation is more serious, it’s best to be nice, but firm. Also, make it clear that you will leave (with the money) if it continues. But I would make this as non-threatening sounding as possible, “Honey, I really don’t want to leave you with blue balls, but I will.” Granted, all of this has to be said with winks and smiles. It’s like talking to a child and you’re the ice cream. Take it away too fast and they’ll throw a tantrum. If the child is laughing, it’s not crying. I’m not bashing, I promise, I love and respect men, but sometimes clients feel vulnerable in this scenario and their default is sandbox behavior. So, without being condescending—no one likes that shit—it’s good to treat johns like a volatile audience at open mic night. Soft, easy going jokes they can relate to, with not-so-hidden messages.

What can a client do to create a more fun/comfortable mood? I absolutely love this question! It takes two to tango as they say. Although these men are hiring us to do a job, sex does involve two people. Men can assist in the experience. It’s your penis, you’ve probably touched it and know it better than I do. If he gets soft because I had to pee, stroke him while I’m gone. Be interactive with your dick. I’m a damn good snake charmer, but I can only do so much. Generally it’s not an issue, but it’s daunting when a man expects miracles from a hooker. Also, hand her the money/place the envelope on the table right away. Don’t wait for her to ask. And if you really want some sugar, tell her that you added a little extra just for her. Nothing lubes a working girl up like extra cash. You’ll win in the end trust me.

If it’s your first time, or your nervous, speak to it. A little communication goes a long way: “Wow, you’re beautiful, I haven’t been this nervous since prom.” Maybe it’s a lie, but it’s cute and laughter eases nerves. If it’s a meet and greet, don’t ask her a ton of questions, and definitely don’t ask lots of specific how much for what. This will set off undercover cop bells for most working girls. Not to mention that it’s a red flag in the, this guy is likely to be unhappy no matter what, department. So, while it’s natural to want to know what you’re getting for your hard-earned cash, here’s a better approach: “Hoping this goes well, what’s your favorite position?” Obviously, this has to be eased in, but it implies sex will happen without implicating a crime or being crass. Her answer will also be a good indication of what she’s willing to do. Two birds. You can try to ease any tension by being funny, “I have to let you know that I have a strict no barking rule.” Yes, utterly ridiculous, but I’m telling you, humor helps. It shows her that you are easy going and fun; that you can handle the trippy situation. Compliments are always good. Let her know you are into her. Most hookers are confident, but men can be jerks. Not to mention that we’re putting ourselves on the line. The client knows he’s getting laid no matter what—barring he doesn’t smell like dog piss—she’s not going to turn him down, whereas we’re ostensibly on an audition. When it comes to the act itself: bring condoms you’ve had luck with before and put the darn thing on yourself for Christ’s sake. Wash your hands just before you guys get started, and for the love of fuck, enjoy yourself!

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