Christmas in a Yurt!

{truncated excerpt from memoir number five}

This amazing first experience—first paid couple, first time in a yurt—turned into a novella so here’s the truncated version I know you’ve all been waiting for.

They live in an off-the-grid Northern California mountain town. This concerned me some (as I’ve never met them) but I’m the adventurous type. I hid my wallet and cash in my car as well as a spare key in my stuff in case the kidnapped me and took my keys.

They’re much younger than me which is such a trip but she’s a fan/follower and that’s the average age on social media. She’s the one who reached out. She had a baby last summer and apparently her dude’s a handful in the sack; she needed a pinch hitter. I assumed they were hippies due to their location, the yurt, and the fact that they said they liked weed, mushrooms and ecstasy. That’s not exactly the realm I entered. It was family, warmth, lots of love but also lots of meth (not her in a long time due to pregnancy and breastfeeding). I smoked meth with the husband for two days.

I liked their energy off the bat. I didn’t get any killer vibes from them. The yurt, which was maybe two-hundred yards up hill from the main house, was huge and sturdy. The weather was cold but their house (and the yurt) had a wood fire going at all times. After meeting her and hanging out at their house for a bit…I should mention I got Sita dressed up, which includes blinged-out jewelry and bright as fuck pink lipstick. Also, I had been swigging a quarter pint of whiskey and did a couple bumps before I got there. I was nervous. Anyway, I followed his giant truck up to the yurt. Passing by abandoned cars, a boat, and some other super random shit. I was getting a feeling (I didn’t know about the meth yet, but I was about to find out). He showed me around, helped me unpack. Asked if I smoked, I said ‘why not’. It’s not my usual, but I have on occasion. He pulled out two huge baggies of meth from his pocket. OK, I thought, here we go.

We didn’t fool around until later that night. Per her request: we’d be alone the first night and she’d join the second. After settling and hanging out with her and their kids, we took it back to the yurt. It was revealed soon into the night that he recently discovered the prostate O and was on a kick. I spent the majority of our time sucking his dick (hours) and sticking random items/toys up his bum (including a cucumber). I was having fun. This was different. I also found out he’d been up for over three days. I love giving head so I was happy to oblige. I can do that all day long. And I did. My lips were swollen by the time I left! The hilarious part is: I was looking forward to maybe getting mine…nope. He didn’t really care about my orgasm. Or at all. Figures. I want all my other tricks to not give a shit, but the one time I do? Ah, life, you sneaky bitch.

We stayed up all night sucking, smoking, getting wood and stoking the fire. The conversation’s a blur. It was raining and misty. I was in heaven. I love adopting people’s worlds for a short time. He finally came. We fell asleep for a couple hours.

Christmas day: I text them around noon to say hello. I wasn’t sure what the protocol was but I figured they were doing kid things. I was happy with my fire, the rain, and a book. He came up to grab me in an off-road vehicle. We smoked out first. I think he was happy to have a drug buddy. He dropped me at the house and did who knows what. I could tell things were tense when I got to her, but I didn’t get the feeling it was about me. I helped with her adorable baby (I’m good with kids). We talked. She confided in me. I gave her love and advice. She was having a hard day. Tears. Hormones. Relationship stuff. They’re both wonderful souls, I wanted to make it better. I did what I could. Mostly, that meant being a nonjudgmental sounding board. The only bummer was…by the time evening rolled around, I was emotionally spent and not in any sort of work mode. I wasn’t sure how I was going to snap into a fun time. I wanted to give her the good good but I wasn’t expecting that day. Her mom arrived. She was going to watch the kids. She’s my age and was also high on meth. Another first. Thankfully, she didn’t ask who I was.

Night two: not gonna lie, I was struggling. I wasn’t alcohol buzzed enough—I stupidly didn’t bring any booze with me! They had a bottle for me but it went quickly, and smoking meth is a completely different high. My play self was in the corner on a time out. I felt bad. This wasn’t how I saw it going. I knew she was also struggling too. Which made it seem like we were there just for him. Which is fine, but a different dynamic. He brought a video camera—he wanted footage of them together to watch while he jacks off. This presented me with a solid opportunity (they knew I was not to be in the video). I set up pretty colored lights (we had talked about maybe doing a photo shoot but I knew there was no way with how she and I were feeling) and recorded them fucking. I laid next to him while she rode him. It was hot. He eventually came. It was late. She got tired. He brought her down to the house. It wasn’t discussed but I knew he’d come back. He did. We resumed the BJ/butt stuff. This, I could handle. Sorry, love (she’ll read this…she requested I write about it), I think we should start night one with all of us next time.

I wanted to fool around with you but the day threw me for a loop. I simply wasn’t in the right mindset. I hope you understand. I also really hope I see you again. I loved hanging out with you!

We stayed up late again. He left when the sun started coming up. I took a sleeping pill and tried to catch a few before my long drive home that day. On my way out, I hung out with her again. I made us toasted bagels and cream cheese I had brought (I had barely eaten). She said the experience was really good for her and thanked me for rolling with the punches. She needed the girl time. We joked about her writing a raving couple review. We talked about the possibility of another visit in summer. The stars up there are insane when you can see them…unfortunately, the weather didn’t permit. I hope I do. It’s always better after the first time. I won’t worry about them cutting me into pieces and her hormones will have had a chance to mellow out…even if they don’t, I’ll go in with more knowledge. As will they.