October 29, 2017 Home Restaurant drink: Tamarind margarita
Reader question: “Do you, did you ever want to get married? Have kids? The white picket fence…the nines. I know it’s not for everyone. I just always wondered if you ever envisioned that kind of lifestyle or if you were just dead set on being independent, traveling, etc.”
I never saw those things for myself when I was young. I never fantasized about a white wedding. I played locked in a dungeon with my commune sisters when it was my turn to pick the theme. I was working out my martyr issues. I’ve always been independent (as you mentioned), although I did spend the first forty-one years of my life in back to back monogamous relationships. One of which resulted in an engagement; although not a marriage. Couple years later, I married a guy ten years my junior (plucked him out of his mother’s garage) after only dating for three weeks. It lasted longer than anyone expected.
The only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be happy and at peace. Happiness in long-term relationships is tough to maintain — in my experience. Life is too hard to be unhappy. I don’t mind the idea of loving a myriad of people for the remainder of my life: it doesn’t need to be one person. However, I’m open to that as well if it’s right. Perhaps I’ll never fall in love again, who knows. I consciously put love in the backseat these last few years. Ever since my semi-explosive attempt to love and openly hook simultaneously...ending in heartache and my first pregnancy. Hardest decision of my life—to keep or not to keep. I’ll always feel that little soul with me. I think it had been waiting, unfortunately, it wasn’t the right situation; not remotely close.
I’m open to whatever life has in store for my future. I think my long-running sex-work career might be finally coming to a close in the next year or so…which means I’ll be able to re-open my heart for business. We’ll see what happens.