"SUICIDE IS PAINLESS"

July 31, 2015 was the 10th anniversary of my last—and second most serious—suicide attempt. Ten years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday (although I have a daily reminder in the form of a permanently injured foot), and other times it seems a lifetime ago. Ah, suicide. Suicide is much more difficult on the ones who love you. It took my friends some time before they could laugh about it with me. Granted, this last attempt was pretty arduous and left me in excruciating pain, unable to walk for a couple months, and incapable of working for ten. Wasn't a lot to laugh about in the beginning. I'm not saying it's easy for the attemptee. It's a shit show of emotion for sure. If only I had passed out laying out flat...then it would have been just a stomach pump and a week in the hospital. But no, yours truly was slumped like a little pretzel for ten hours, burning her insides with toxins while her cats stared at her. Poor kitties.

The pretzel position cut off the circulation to my left foot and fingers. My fingers regenerated, but I permanently killed the nerves in my foot. From the moment I gained consciousness in the hospital—a few days after being in intensive care and fed by tubes—and realized I wasn’t dead, I moved forward and didn’t look back. I’ve done an incredible amount of amazing shit in the past ten years. All of it with this bum foot! And although there’s still pain when I’m on it for hours, it pales in comparison to the first few years. It hasn’t stopped me from living and doing. That’s just who I am. I take life as it comes and move on to the next thing. I don’t let shit fester. “Crap, I’m alive? Ok, let’s heal and move on”. It’s difficult for me to say that I’m glad I didn’t die, but I suppose I am. I wouldn’t have had this experience with you guys, which brings me joy everyday. So many amazing friends and lovers I would have missed. Yes, my foot is a bummer. I can’t wear certain types of heels, and it is painful at times, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I did it to myself, and that’s OK. As my book title suggests; it’s been anything but a wasted life. ♡ I hope this didn't bring you down, I hope it did the opposite; make life your bitch!