JEALOUS GIRLFRIENDS

[2010]

 

I got a strange and unwelcome call from one of my semi-regular’s girlfriend . He’s a tattoo artist, and we figured out on our first meet that he had done work on one of my ex's. Funny he never mentioned girlfriend during the times we hung out, but why would he need to? I sent him a text about a week or so ago to tell him I was at the club. He responded that he couldn’t make it but that he missed me. I went on with my business. The following day I get a phone call around 2 p.m. I don’t normally pick up unknown numbers, but I did for some reason.

 

“Hello.”

 

“Is this ____?”

 

“Yes, it is.”

 

“Hi, you don’t know me but I’m [Mr. Tattoo]’s girlfriend, and you’ve sent him some texts that were unauthorized and I’d appreciate it if you never contacted him again.”

 

I was instantly annoyed and also confused, “I’m sorry, what’s your boyfriend’s name?” Her voice was rushed so I couldn’t understand her. I had texted a few men recently to hopefully get them to the club.

 

“[Mr. Tattoo],” she said with a bitchy tone. For another few seconds I still didn’t know who the fuck she was talking about. Then it came to me: the tattoo artist from Japan.

 

“I don’t know what to say girl. It’s really not my problem. The club is a public place, but I won’t text him anymore.”

 

“Thanks.” She hung up.

 

It was surreal, idiotic, and irritating. Mostly I felt bad for him. She obviously checked his phone and probably gave him hell. Or maybe he has no idea, and she’s being strange and sneaky. Whatever. Leave me out of it. I hate when women get mad at the girl when it’s really their cheating man that should be dealt with (although I don’t even think this qualifies as cheating). This guy lives near the club and comes in to let off some steam and have a little fun. Mostly we just chat and play the video game machine on the bar. It’s not scandalous. If I had to choose between my boyfriend playing video games and getting a of couple (innocent) lap dances from a stripper or screw around on me, I’d choose the former. Having a boyfriend who hangs out at strip clubs isn’t optimal, but come on, it’s no contest.

 

Then, a few days later, she sends me a message via social media. The subject title was “Hello,” and inside she said, “I was the girl who called you a week ago about your inappropriate texts to my boyfriend [Mr. Tattoo]. I want to know if you had sex with him because we have been together for almost two years now, and he recently contracted herpes. I would like to know ASAP. Also, please be aware that if you have Herpes and you are performing lap dances, you can transmit Herpes from a simple touch of skin on ANY part of the body. I encourage you to delete [Mr. Tattoo] from your friends' list. It's the least respect you can give from one girl to another." This is verbatim. What the fuck? Why am I having to deal with this?

 

My response: “We have never had sex. I do not have herpes. Honestly, we mostly hung out and played the video game thing at my club. [Mr. Tattoo] is a friend, so if he wants to delete me, it's his call. I am not a threat to your relationship, I am in love with another man and very happy.”

I felt this was pretty nice, considering. I learned a long time ago that it’s best not to engage with crazy people. I prayed that was the end of it, but with nutjobs, you never know. I need to interject here and say that strippers are some of the cleanest girls you’ll ever find. We are hyper aware of our bodies. We touch and look at ourselves a lot. We know how we smell (in some cases, even how we taste). Strippers tend to have strong immune systems, due to the fact that we are rubbing on and in extremely close proximity to hundreds of strangers a week. You build a tolerance. It’s sheer ignorance and jealousy when women say or assume this shit about strippers.

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