AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL THE MEN I’VE SLEPT WITH
Yes, you. Shame on you…for not telling me exactly why you liked fucking me—specifically what you loved about my pussy, and why it was unique. A few of you said how good I felt, you used words like; incredible, tight, you talked about an intense pulse, but you never adequately described how it actually felt to you. Some of you may not have had the words (you adorable dummies), but the others who did, I call bullshit. My friends have joked for years about my “magic vagina” (men coming back over long periods of time, and others getting stuck on it like Velcro or huffing glue), but it wasn’t until Bull Durham, who had the presence of mind, backbone, and impressive vocabulary, to finally tell me exactly why I have a charmed muffin. And although I’m grateful to have this mystery solved, it mostly pissed me off about the [fill in the number] of you who didn’t have the nuts to communicate this. In addition to the plethora of descriptives Bull Durham used, he also gave me a demonstration! He took two of my fingers in his fist and showed me exactly what my pussy did to his cock! It blew my mind. So simple. Why couldn’t any number one of you fucks have done this? Forty-four years and I finally know what’s so damn special down there. Unless Bull Durham has more nerve endings in his unit than the average man, although I imagine there’s a finite number of nerve endings in a cock. I’m willing to concede that she doesn’t feel exactly the same to everyone, but I knew you coveted her, and I knew you loved it when I would wax poetic about your dongs. If I didn’t, my apologies, but this isn’t about me, it’s about you and my vagina. Frankly, she’s a little hurt…that you didn’t take the time nor the energy to tell her owner why she was distinctive. Shit just got super weird, didn’t it? I better reel this in. Lookit, I hold you in high regard, even the ones I don’t remember. I simply wish you could have explained why my pussy felt different, or why you craved her. That’s it, that’s all I got. I hope life is treating you well, and that you have fond memories of my hoohah.