[ May 3, 2012 Ear Inn, TriBeCa 2:35 p.m ]
What am I doing? I’m in New York on a job, and I’m texting (and missing) Cole, and he’s been acting jealous. This won’t go down well will it? I’m sitting in this amazing pub called the Ear Inn right now, and I wish he were here. He’s about to have a child with a woman who’s pissed at him for leaving. This is a total shitshow. Why him, universe? Why now? I miss his taste. Fuck! I suppose it might motivate me to do better. Get out of this racket. I have two photo series that I need to finish. I need to market my art. I need representation. I need. I need. I was destined for good things. Wasn’t I? Pepe Le Pew knows about the book. I’m not sure how, but he’s pretty tech savvy. He said that he would help me when the time is ready. Should I take him out of it? Crap, why do I have such long-term relationships with people? Maybe I should just milk him for all I can before the release date. Who am I kidding, we all know my heart is good and soft, I’ll never be able to milk him for anything. Nothing past what we agree on, that is. Why did I tell my fucking clients?! Dummy. I haven’t seen him since our trip to Europe, and that was four years ago. He said that he keeps tabs on me. Sees how I’m doing. I love technology, but I also like to think we’re still living in an age when it was much more difficult to stalk people.
9:48 p.m. EST
Fuckity fuck. Spoke to Cole about an hour ago. It was kind of weird. I know I’m drunk, but I thought I was being sweet. Perhaps not, because he ended it being snarky. And not cute, I-want-to-fuck-you snarky, it was more, I’ll-show-you-who-has-the-upper-hand snark. Why do I do this? I should have screwed that cute actor who came onto me at the bar earlier. I should have gone to that art show of another person I met. Instead, I’m sitting here pining for a snarky, recently separated man with a kid about to be popped who drives me crazy. I need help. The heart wants and all that shit.